I’m proud right now.
I’ve been struggling with the ups and downs of bingeing and despite totally slipping up over the weekend, I’ve been mindful and healthy during the week. Admittedly, I might have been eating too little the past few days and I really felt it this morning. The urge to binge during my breakfast today was very strong. Instead of totally letting them take over, I ate a little more because I felt legitimately hungry and talked myself through the wave of urges. I feel really good about that. Really, really good. This is the first time I’ve weathered them like that.
i’ve been having a rough time lately. a really rough time. i have an eating disorder. it’s taken me a while to be able to say those words out loud even though the whisper of it has been dancing around in my head like an unnamed cloud casting a fog on every though that pops into my head. it feels good to be able to have a name for it, this all-enveloping blanket that has wrapped every part of me up tightly and won’t let go.
i’ve started seeing both a therapist and a nutritionist to deal help understand and deal with it. it’s been scary and revelatory and amazing and horrible. as is my wont in the winter, my weight has increased by give or take 5-7 pounds and seeing tangible proof that my binges have an effect has been destabilizing in way that has left me upside down. i’ve been doing better but i relapsed this weekend and it’s left me devastated. two straight days of feeling completely powerless and out of control. i don’t recognize my body anymore, can’t identify the overly stuffed shape that looks back at me in the mirror. from the outside perspective, i know the effects are negligible. i look the same. i am the same. but to me, my reflection looks like a sad stranger.
despite this, though, tomorrow is another day and it will be a better one. i vow to love myself and respect myself. to rediscover the strength and confidence i used to feel. to look at the reflection in the mirror with love and pride and compassion and to thank myself and my body for its hard work and strength. because even though i don’t feel okay right now, i know that i am okay and that i’m stronger than the voices that tell me that i’m not enough and i’ll never be enough. i’m much, much stronger than that.